[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
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“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Some people were born into their job.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Mornin
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.