[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
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100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
life finds a way
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
For the ones in the back.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
The point of your 20s
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.