[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
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Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I鈥檓 not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
Don鈥檛 measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
You鈥檙e telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
Australia鈥檚 reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it鈥檚 passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 馃槀馃ぃ
his wife is probably gonna see that
THEO VAN GOGH: I can鈥檛 believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
What鈥檚 it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn鈥檛 be a problem except I don鈥檛 remember the last time I bought pretzels.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies