*on a first date*

Me: I’m in financ-

Her: oh finance that’s cool

Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt

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I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.


Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”

Two days have passed, no reply.


If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.


Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”


I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.


I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.


Alien 1: Was Earth enjoyable?

Alien 2: Indeed. I landed in the city of “Ghetto.” Locals bestowed upon me the title of “E.T. Lookin Nigga.”


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3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!

Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.

*fuzz moves*



Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?

Me: With adjectives.