I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
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Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”
Two days have passed, no reply.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
Alien 1: Was Earth enjoyable?
Alien 2: Indeed. I landed in the city of “Ghetto.” Locals bestowed upon me the title of “E.T. Lookin Nigga.”
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.