*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
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We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Truth
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
How do horror writers compete with current events?
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
Good morning
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.