[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
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if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.