[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
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HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
Scream sneezers need love too.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.