{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
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The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
The cashier just checked me out.
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL