On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
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Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
He’s dead
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.