[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
You Might Also Like
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.