[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
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My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*