On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
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GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
whatcha thinkin bout
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?