On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
You Might Also Like
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man