On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
You Might Also Like
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.