On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
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I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money