[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
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[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers