[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
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Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.