[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
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Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy