On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and ๐๐๐
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I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. ๐
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you canโt come
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-Itโs haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow Iโm right here that is like so hurtful
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
โฆ and for my next trick, I will appear to know what Iโm doing.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
God: youโre a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you canโt fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well thatโs fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically thatโs not flying lol.
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a childrenโs ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant