[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
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Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72