On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
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What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭