On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
You Might Also Like
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
same energy
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Seductively sings in Klingon.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.