[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
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Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.