On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
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Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.