[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
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I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.