@noneofyours99 When you let grandma cat sit
@rockymomax [on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
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@noneofyours99 
@mommajessiec My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
@Birdhumms Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
@Donna_McCoy Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
@PettyRuxpin83 what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
@TheToddWilliams [Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
@slaughthie Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
@WheelTod [Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
@bornmiserable [United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
@Skoog [planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect