[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
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Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
Me sliding into hell like
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store