@rockymomax

[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know

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@mommajessiec

My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.

@Birdhumms

Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.

@Donna_McCoy

Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.

But I stand by my advice.

@TheToddWilliams

[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.

@slaughthie

Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.

@WheelTod

[Doctor’s office]

Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”

Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”

*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk

Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”

@bornmiserable

[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.

@Skoog

[planning bank heist]

leader: we need a fall guy

me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]

leader: he’s perfect