[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
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me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
“our sushi is very fresh”
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
[the middle of showering] I need a break