@internetluke

[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya

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@T_Bonezzz_

Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman

@STRIKINGxVIKING

BREAKING NEWS

Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”

THIS JUST IN

…Apparently I’m God.

@ddsmidt

Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.

@LurkAtHomeMom

Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?

Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.

@Lance_Said_This

What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.

@_NinJar

*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*

@ChefRonSullivan

Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.

@

To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.

@mstern68

If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter

@Ideal_Victoria

A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.