[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
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Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
tourist season
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship