[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
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YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!