[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
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they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.