[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
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I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.