[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
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Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
🤣could you imagine
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.