[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
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The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U