*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
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I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
bout dat hot dog summer
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
wtf is an acronym
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.