*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
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banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
do what now??
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.