*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
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OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
🤣🤣
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”