[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
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I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.