*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
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He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
*cough*
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
felt cute might bury dad later idk
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample