[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
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If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably