Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy

Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?

Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.

There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.

Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.

*pronounces woah like Noah*

Them: We’ve made this idiot proof

Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*

I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity

Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.

We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.

-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you

ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs

DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant

ME *scuttles closer*

DATE: 6 of them

DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?

UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.

I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.

My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting

In my 20’s: I want to find true love.

In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.

Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.

The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.

“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”

-Me, as a therapist

[being buried alive]

murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly

“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”

Imagine falling in love with me then finding out I’m a slow walker

No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.

the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.

I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.

I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied

Magician: I can make anything disappear

Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea

Magician: *waves hand* done

om: *holding cup* it didn’t work

Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts

them: if you could, what three words would you tell your younger self?

me: marry a chiropractor

inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO

everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful