on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
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I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
Pretty much! 😂👀
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.