On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
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This is funnier than it should be. 😂
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
And now we wait
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]