*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
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Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks