[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
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Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.