[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
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Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
And bowling should be called pinball
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo