[on first date]

Let me get that for you.

*holds door open*

“May I help you, sir?”

Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…

You Might Also Like


“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library


Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky

My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now


I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.


[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!


Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.


Hey I just met you…

And this is Crazy…

But this is a nice restaurant…

So, Silence your baby!


having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.


Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.


Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.