@squirrel74wkgn

[on first date]

Let me get that for you.

*holds door open*

“May I help you, sir?”

Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…

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@fro_vo

“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library

@brynnester

Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky

My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now

@TheSpotter8

I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.

@internetluke

[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!

@suzieQ0007

Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.

@WilliamRodgers

Hey I just met you…

And this is Crazy…

But this is a nice restaurant…

So, Silence your baby!

@dadmann_walking

having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.

@RickAaron

Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.

@noog

Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.