@fro_vo “that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
@squirrel74wkgn [on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
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@fro_vo 
@brynnester Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
@TheSpotter8 I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
@internetluke [Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
@emily_tweets Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
@suzieQ0007 Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
@WilliamRodgers Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
@dadmann_walking having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
@RickAaron Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
@noog Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.