On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
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Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
*power walks to the refrigerator*
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
If only
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry