On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
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So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
this is how life feels
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
welcome back
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”