[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
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If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
I don’t make the rules sorry
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room