On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
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I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*