[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
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Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.