[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
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If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.