On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
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I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.